10 Things NOT To Say to Your Husband

What’s the worst thing you ever said to your husband? I’ll confess mine. He asked me why I couldn’t work on this blog or watch YouTube videos during the day instead of staying up late. Frustrated, I blurted, “Because I’m too busy taking care of you all day!”

Taking care of my husband and serving him is NOT a burden to me, nor is it something extra I perform. I know that, he knows that; it is the standard of our marriage and comes before any and everything else. But do you know why I threw out such a bloated claim? A moment’s frustration overshadowed years of finding redemption in this servitude, and I allowed my flesh to control the fruit of my lips (or lack thereof).

Unfortunately, I’ll never be able to take back that hasty claim, nor any of the other ugly things I’ve said to my husband. Thankfully, though, YAHUAH’s mercy is sufficient, and present in my home. I have every day to choose my words carefully, and this is what I do!

I’m encouraging you to do the same, especially towards your other half. He deserves fruitful affirmation, adoration, and truth, not dead slander, curses, or lies. Words are also not just about what we say but also how we say them (more on this in another post)! We should always strive to use our lips for building, not destroying. And you know what they say: ‘If you’re not building, then you’re destroying. There is no middle ground.’

She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.”

Proverbs 31:26 KJV

1. “I wish you were more like so and so’s husband!”

Can you imagine your husband saying this to you? “I wish you were more like brother _____’s wife!”

You may be meaning well towards your husband, and trying to encourage him in being fruitful. But let’s be real: no one likes being compared.

More importantly, it’s not fair of us to compare our husbands (outwardly or inwardly). It’s also not Biblical submission.

We should be thankful for our OWN husbands, praying for our OWN husbands, submitting to our OWN husbands.

Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives…”

1 Peter 3:1 KJV

If you find yourself being very critical or comparing your husband to another man you find admirable, try these three things:

1. Pray for your marriage, for yourself as an individual, and for your husband as an individual.
2. Softly encourage the behaviors you love to see your husband cultivate in Yah. ex: “I love when you help me with the laundry” or “I feel so secure and prepared for life when you lead me in the Scripture. You’re such a strong leader”. Remember, build up, don’t tear down.
3. Lower your gaze. We shouldn’t be looking at other men, their homes nor their possessions with lust, jealousy or covetousness. Expel this from your heart, be content with the love Yah has given you, and if your husband is falling short somewhere, remember it is YOU who is supposed to help him.

2. “See, I told you! Next time you need to listen to me!”

Oh, how many times have we all been there! When he makes the wrong turn on a road trip, leading you into a traffic jam. When he chooses the wrong product at the grocery store. When you said the keys were in one place, but he insists it is in another!

Why is our first instinct to jump down their throat and say, “I was right. Now look at what you not listening to me has done! All you had to do was listen to me.”

What does that help? How is this fruitful? Who is benefited here?

All this does is make our husbands insecure in their leadership, and even more insecure in your submission towards him. And truth be told, it will make him resent you and listen to you even less.

You never want your husband to question whether you respect him or believe in him as a man. He’s not perfect, he makes mistakes, and he needs HELP (hello, that’s you)!

What he doesn’t need, is someone always reminding him of his faults, rubbing his mistakes in his face, belittling him continually, convincing him that he isn’t man enough to make decisions for himself, his marriage, his family or his home.

Instead, try this: don’t say anything. He remembers what you said right before he did the opposite, and he doesn’t need a reminder. He remembers that you were right. He’s going to remember next time, and check with his helpmeet (you) for advice!

You know what else he’s going to remember? The fact that you didn’t call him an idiot or rub it in his face that you were right. His heart will now safely trust in you.

He’ll remember your silence, kindness, forgiveness, patience, and restraint. Encourage him when he falls, don’t beat him when he’s down.

3. “I don’t want to do it like that, I want to do it like this!”

Whether it’s the way you wash dishes, bake chicken, or discipline the kids, you should never rebel against your husband’s leadership.

What’s small and insignificant to you, can be monumental for your husband. He has a preference for his home, and divine right as the lord of that home to mold it according to his vision according to YAHUAH’s will.

My husband likes his clothes washed on cold, for the garbage disposal to be used as little as possible, and he would prefer for me to be rested than to stress over a spotless house. Why? Because that’s just what he prefers. I’m sure he has deeper reasons, and although I wanted to question him when he first revealed these preferences, i knew Yah would reveal to me why.

And that’s exactly what happened. In my silence, I could hear Yah showing me the why’s. Cold water keeps clothes from shrinking. Running the garbage disposal is loud, encourages dumping food down the drain (which should never happen), and weakens the blades. And why should I run myself raggedy to be a good housekeeper when my job is deeper than folded clothes and a sparkling sink?

Silence is the divine classroom for wives. When our lips are closed, our ears and hearts are open to Yah who is ever full of wisdom and surprises.

Instead, be open to your husband’s correction, leadership, guidance, and try to find pleasure in pleasing him and doing things his way.

Plus, how can he trust us with big assignments, if he can’t trust us with the small?

[there is] a time to keep silence, and a time to speak…”

Ecclesiastes 3:7

4. “Fine, how about you do it yourself!”

Similarly, if you struggle to accept your husband’s critique or correction, this is something we submit to Yah. Never under any circumstance should we say to our husbands, “Well since you want it done so bad, you do it!” or “I can’t do that, why don’t you do it!” or “You always complain about the way I do XYZ, so I just don’t do it anymore!”

We should be aiming to be receptive of our husbands’ preferences. If he’s wrong or you don’t think it will work well, submit anyway. This is what submission is, and the bottom line is that as Biblical, holy, and Israelite women, we should be obeying the Bible’s call for wives to be submissive.

Instead of giving up and rejecting his way of doing things, take a deep breath, say “Yes, Master/my lord” or “Okay, I can do that” or “Yes sir”. Let the spirit be stronger than your flesh, and bring that rebellion to heel with patience, willingness to try, and kind words.

It’s not going to kill you to submit. But lack of submission will kill your marriage.

5. “Well, that’s not how so and so does it.”

Imagine your children saying this to you, when you show them how to wash dishes, or ask them to tend to the yard in a specific order. “That’s not how _____’s mom makes him do it!”

What would you think in that moment?

• Well I’m not ______’s mother
• This is not _______’ house
• Why don’t you let _______ take care of you, feed you, or buy your clothes?

What reason do we have to believe that our husbands would feel any differently? He’s the one taking care of you, the one who loves you like Christ loves the church, and the one working hard for your family, not that other person who’s way you prefer.

So why should anyone outside of his house get to determine how he runs his house? This is the message we send when we insist on doing things our own way or in someone else’s way. Even if it’s right or better, it’s never ‘right’ to rebel against your husband in favor of someone else, especially another man!

We can overcome this by valuing respect towards our husbands, their hardwork, and the sacrifices they make for us. Even if our husbands don’t do this, we are their wives, and should continually be striving to please Yah with our ministry within marriage, as this is our calling.

6. “You need to…”

You need to start putting your clothes in the hamper. You need to start working less so you can spend more time with the kids. You need to apologize to that brother.

Are you his boss? Are you his lord? Does he serve you? Does he answer to you?

You may be right about something your husband should be doing, and that’s good. You are his trusted advisor, after all. You should always be that voice of righteousness, justice, mercy, and truth in his life no matter what. And it’s a blessing when you can see him going astray and you care enough to help him return to the straight path.

So no one is saying you can’t give him advice. I am simply encouraging you to be mindful of your delivery.

Gentleness is one of the Fruits of the Spirit.

“Have you ever thought about…..?”

“How do you feel about praying for…”

“This Scripture really moved me… What do you think?”

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.

Galatians 5:22-23

7. “I’m going to stay with my mom/friend for a few days…”

Space is a healthy boundary in marriage. And some seasons we need more space than we’d like to admit. But running away is not an option. And dare I say, in those moments we want to abandon our husbands the most, are the moments we should stick closer than ever.

If you need space, try saying “I feel really uncomfortable right now. I need a moment” or “May I step away from this conversation and revisit it with you later? I think I should go pray and seek the Holy Spirit.”

We should never rebel, or insist on leaving our homes, which are OUR responsibility at the end of the day. We can’t build up our homes if we aren’t present in them. Remember, you’re a keeper at home, not at your mother’s or friend’s house. Even when it hurts, your house needs your attention.

I know some wives or husbands who say to their partner, “If you leave, don’t come back.” Maybe this isn’t your husband. But what if it was? If you walked out the door in a moment’s frustration, would you be okay with not ever being welcomed back again?

If things get so bad you can’t stand to be in the same house, I advise that you humble yourself to YAHUAH and seek refuge in Him first before making any hasty decisions that might permanently affect your marriage.

8. “I just don’t want to [have sex right now]!”

I just don’t want to talk right now! I just don’t want to visit those people with you right now! I just don’t want to have more children right now!

Worst of all, I just don’t want to have sex right now!

While you are a human with your own free will, we must remember we owe our husbands submission according to the Word. This means we should be able to gently express our concerns, needs and desires, but at the the end of the day still be willing to obey and abide with our husbands.

Try to cultivate an understanding of your own feelings before you reject his ideas or plans.

“I am scared of being hurt during labor again” is more productive than “I just don’t want to have more kids with you!” The former actually opens an opportunity for prayer and spiritual growth together, whereas the latter simply shuts down the conversation and is actually very insulting.

Similarly, “I’m not going through a good time down there” is more productive than “I just don’t want to have sex right now!”

The Word is very clear that sex isn’t a bargaining chip, something we hold over our husband’s heads, nor is it something we only share as a reward for good behavior and something we withhold when we’re not getting our needs met.

Communicate, share your heart, be willing to express your truths. But also be willing to give due benevolence, outside the bedroom and in it, too.

9. “You’re getting on my nerves!”

“Love is patient, love is kind.”

This is what the Word says. Maybe you aren’t dwelling in love with your husband if he’s getting on your nerves, or if you feel the need to reject him so harshly.

It’s okay to feel annoyed.

Or is it?

“Love is not easily provoked” – 1 Corinthians 13

Yes, it’s still okay to FEEL annoyed. It’s not okay, however, to act aggressively or intolerant just because we’re annoyed.

Feelings don’t get to dictate our actions or words. If they do, we are no longer acting with love, and we are no longer holy.

Try some mindful exercises, like breathing control. Take time daily to meet with YAHUAH to get your cup filled, in order that you may have patience and kindness to deal with others. Get a fidget device to keep in your pocket or wear on your wrist. Drink your water. Make sure you’re getting enough sleep. Eat some fruit. Step away for a minute, tend to your hobbies, take care of yourself, and GUARD YOUR LIPS.

Make no excuse to speak harshly or abrasively to your husband. If you’re annoyed, keep silent, ask for a moment alone, ask the Holy Spirit to intervene, or do your best to work through your irritation. And afterwards, submit your feelings to YAH and seek Him for discernment as to why you get so annoyed with your man. Yah will uncover this for you, give you the tools to work through this, and more importantly, He will deliver you and your marriage from irritability and provocation.

10. “Of course the kids come before you!”

No, they don’t. Not in the Scripture.

Husband and wife are one flesh. They are one body. Children will mature, move out, and start their own families. But you and your husband will still dwell together, and he’ll have to live everyday knowing you chose someone else over him, when he always chose you first.

Children are a blessing from Yah, and He calls them a heritage (Psalm 127:3). They don’t and cannot be for you what the holiness of a marital covenant is though.

Your marriage is the nucleus of your family. The powerhouse. The headquarters. Not the other way around. We are to submit to our husbands, not our children. We are to obey our husbands, not our children. We are to cleave to our husbands, not our children.

I know this may be a hard pill to swallow. But it is what it is. And we should be graceful in teaching the same to our children, too, so that they grow to value marriage and understand the true holiness thereof, and build up their own healthy, Biblical families in the Kingdom one day.

Sometimes we will fall in these areas of speech. The important thing is being as vocal about our repentance and regret as we were with our harsh words, and making sure to actually fix these things. YAHUAH’s mercy abounds. We just need to be willing to turn towards Him, let Him guide our mouths, and dedicate our lips for building instead of destroying.

What’s something else a wife should never say to her husband? Comment below and share with us!

I hope this was a fruitful discussion for you! May Yahuah guide you with all peace and understanding.