Giving Your Husband Preference

What is said about the woman who takes care of her husband? That she loves him? That she prioritizes his needs? That she is a blessing to his life?

I don’t know about you, but I’m grateful to serve my husband— especially due to the opportunity it gives me to honor him before YAH and before others. When someone says to my husband, “You have a good wife,” without even knowing me at all, I feel as though I’ve done the least of my job.

And I don’t make this point very often, but I care deeply about my name and reputation. I don’t say this to discourage nor slander anyone; however, I take great pride in being one of those wives who is a crown of glory on her husband’s head.

“A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: But she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones.”

Proverbs 12:4

A crown is a royal, decorative garment of fine mineral and precious gems placed on the head of a sovereign, royal, or chieftain. This is how I hope others will see my husband, so I choose to show them just how royal he truly is.

And no, not just because I serve him. But because I reverence him in my heart, hold dear his words, and give him the space and honor he needs in order to lead, nourish, and protect our family.

Giving him preference is just one of the ways this royal treatment manifests.

Discretion

Discretion, as I mentioned in the episode ‘Looking Good is Part of Your Role’, doesn’t just mean secrecy or privacy. Discretion means at preference, at will, left up to the recipient.

Scripture says a wife’s discretion will fatten her husband’s bones.

“The grace of a wife delighteth her husband, and her discretion will fatten his bones.”

Ecclesiasticus 26:13

The Scripture also says to do nothing without discretion.

“But be not excessive toward any; and without discretion do nothing.”

Ecclesiasticus 33:29

I’m not going to lie and say I’ve mastered the art of discretion in service to my husband, because I haven’t. What I will say is that discretion is an ever-refining skill in the art of hospitality. I gleaned this from reading a few books authored by renown butlers, doormen, and housekeepers. The one virtue they continue to emphasize is discretion.

I read these books from these people, because I hope to master the same craft: servitude. These people serve royals, celebrities, and highly respected professionals. And one thing I find consistent with wealth: the more you have, the likelier you are to also have good servants in your company.

So I view service not with a slave’s unwilling and bitter eye, but with a soft and attentive eye, seeking opportunity to improve and enhance the lives of those around me. It has really changed my perspective, and I highly recommend studying service in the Bible and service as and industry if we are to become discrete keepers of the home.

Giving your husband preference really shows that you understand how the home should operate. In giving your husband preference, you acknowledge that home should be a place of rest and relaxation for your family, especially for the person who is sustaining it: your husband.

As an aside, I understand that serving your family is a full-time job that sometimes never seems to end. Some wives may reach exhaustion trying to be “the perfect servant”, or fear never having time to themselves. But I offer a gentle reminder: it is not good for man to be alone. Service is not about being bound to acts and gestures. Rather, service is about speaking an ancient love language that is universal; about keeping company and companionship.

Therefore, my encouragement is to rise early in order to have an hour to yourself, for relaxation, tea, reading, games, or journaling, or even a little exercise, so that you get your cup full for the day.

Similarly, giving your husband preference illustrates your reverence for your husband.

Something that I’ve been doing since the beginning of my marriage, is serving my husband dinner on my knees. I’m sure you might see this as extreme, or maybe even bondage. And I doubt that if you do see it as extreme then you likely won’t believe that I enjoy this practice, and this isn’t something he ever had to ask me to do for him.

I do this because I love the look in my husband’s eyes when it is performed. I do it because the humbling feeling is meat to my soul.

Sometimes giving preference and offering discretion is not just when something is asked of you. It is assuming the highest standard possible of your own volition, because you simply see the recipient as worthy of such.

I don’t do this perfectly, and I find that especially in marriage (because people and their needs change every day), one has to be completely devoted to patience and kindness in servitude in order to remain malleable.

Offering discretion and giving your husband preference really starts with understanding his choices, the value of him having choices, and being willing to expand those choices.

When serving dinner, when creating a grocery list, when doing laundry, when preparing to travel, or with any other task I do for my husband.

“Would you like more? Would you like extra ice? Would you like to have this or that for dinner? Would you like me to wear this now or later?”

I understand to some, this may seem excessive. But service is my full-time job. Yes, I’m a wife. Yes, I’m a friend and companion first. But, I’m always going to be a helpmeet. And I understand that doing this successfully means being willing to let go of “my way” of helping, and actually BEING helpful in the way that’s actually beneficial. This is only accomplished with offering preference, making room for choices, and giving the space my husband needs to decide for himself what he needs and wants instead of forcing things on him.

Benefits

Giving your husband preference and showing discretion in your service to him has many benefits, for everyone in the home. Some include:

• cultivating an atmosphere of service, where everyone is welcome to serve one another. This is the only way things get done: when the whole team is dedicated to doing whatever they can to alleviate the next person’s burden
• we honor our husbands and Yahuah. Discretion will fatten your husband’s bones. It feeds him great sustenance to a degree that feels miraculous and healing (because bones don’t normally store nor produce fat, and bones host the essence of life— the BLOOD). Your discretion give him life
• we exemplify Christlikeness to our children and husband. We show Christ’s main doctrine: servitude. He emphasized servitude over and over. Many people who desire to be great, famous, respected, and honored in this walk like to gleam right over this fact. Yahusha said “The greatest among you is your servant.” Matthew 23:11
• we find softness and femininity. One of the benefits of being a discrete servant is that it cultivates shamefacedness and vulnerability within the servant. Vulnerability and shamefacedness strengthen your softness. Softness offers us that feminine glow and essence we hope others see when they approach us, and gives us the relief and watering necessary to do it all over again without tiring
• We receive blessing in honoring the Word. His Word says obedience to the Word leads to life everlasting “And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love.” 2 John 1:6. I know that if the Word says a wife should submit to her husband, reverence her husband, and be a crown to his head, then I know that in obeying that, I am sure to receive a blessing. And I’m not ashamed to say I serve as an investment into my “eternal life piggy bank”! Yes, I want to have a mountain of good deeds for my Heavenly Father to reflect upon on the day of judgement; how else would He call me His good and faithful servant? This is the blessing of marriage for women: it is an alter upon which we offer the continual sacrifice of service.

When I give my husband preference, I feel humbled and resourceful. I feel honor and as though I am part of something greater than myself. I feel as though I am embodying the essence of Biblical femininity— a soft spoken, sober, diligent, kind, patient, enduring, merciful, and benevolent woman.

And because I do so mindfully and thoughtfully, I know that what I contribute cannot be replaced. Sure, my husband can hire a maid, butler, chef, etc. Those people won’t love, cherish, nor honor him in the way I do, and that’s because they aren’t in a sacred union with him— they aren’t one flesh with him. My role is invaluable not because of what I do, but because what I do is an extension of my bond with and reverence for this other human being, and a reflection of HaMashiach.

I encourage this virtue— offering preference— because through it, we cultivate selflessness within. Selflessness is an emptying of the ego to receive a portion of the Holy Spirit, who strengthens us to do all things.

Would you enjoy being in a femininity journal club? I host Maintenance Mondays over on the Pink Side, sharing femininity prompts to cultivate and refine our Biblical Womanhood :) join us today