I havent been married for very long. I only got married in early 2020, just about 6 months after I started this blog. To be fair, even though I wasn’t married, I liked the name ‘The Hebrew Housewife’, and I chose it because it was catchy (I liked the alliteration lol). It started off as my own personal diary; I had no idea Yahuah would lead me to where I am today!
It’s funny because through this blog, He prepared and refined me for wifedom. Isn’t it strange how seemingly irrelevant matters in our lives are often used by The Most High to put us on the path of purpose? I went from being confused about my purpose and blogging about my daily goings on… to blogging about marriage and then becoming a wife shortly after.
It was a relatively brief but very difficult journey, and my greatest struggle in my singleness was definitely my mentality. I was afraid that I would never be truly worthy; afraid that being a single mother would disqualify me; afraid that I would rush into the wrong man’s arms. And worst of all, these fears crippled me from obeying Yahuah in even the smallest matters because I could only wonder, “What’s the point?”
The 3 Mentalities Keeping Women Uncovered (Single)
I had the opportunity to ask some vital questions with my friend, Sister Valencia, an upcoming Israelite author and publisher, coach, and single woman after Yahuah’s heart. I mainly wanted to discuss singleness with her, because I’ve been a part of her journey for a year now. I’ve been praying with her about marriage, seeking Yah with her regarding her husband, and supporting her as she builds a legacy of obedience during her waiting season.
I consider her a wise counselor, and she has been demonstrating so much faith as she prepares for marriage. I wish I had her when I was single, especially now that she’s hosting a retreat for single Israelite women in their waiting season! She’s the perfect person to discuss this with. Let’s jump right into her key points!
My Question:
What are the 3 mentalities keeping Israelite women single?
Sister Valencia’s response:
“Whew! This is the one right here! The three things every woman need to get rid of if she wants to marry are: pride, unhealed wounds, and masculinity.“
The thing about pride
“Everyone knows that pride comes before destruction. The thing is that you don’t control what is destroyed. So many women destroy their marriage because of their pride.“
I love this! You can control whether you have pride, but you can’t control what things that pride will destroy. And in many cases for single women, it’s the opportunity to be with their Yah-ordained husband.
Pride can come from many places and express itself in various ways. It can look like arrogance, being “too good” for the brother that’s meant to lead you, or even just simply disobeying The Most High. Pride can look like refusing to take correction, being unwilling to hear other’s opinions, and being stuck in our ways. These are all disastrous for the Kingdom marriage!
If you want to build and not destroy, first check your heart for pride. You’ll be surprised what Yahuah shows you.
Those unhealed traumas
“The next thing that destroys a [potential] relationship is unhealed hurts. I see so many women who battle the man given to them because of hurts from another man. This can be so harmful. Truly, submission can’t exist where there is unhealed pain. I have a series coming up on this topic because of how prevalent it is!“
I know all about this one, honey. I rebelled against my husband during the courting phase, mostly over little things, because I didn’t trust him. But the thing is, I hardly even knew him. I had no reason to be so distrusting. The truth is that I was so scarred, bitter, and wounded from the things other men and even family had done to me, that I turned everything into a hurdle for my husband.
One of the greatest wounds for me was letting him provide for me. I had severe daddy issues, and had traumatizing experiences in the past when I decided to depend on others and trust them to show up for me (financially). Before Allahdan was my husband, he demonstrated to me that my care, comfort and safety was his priority, and I really struggled to accept it or even let my needs be known. For that reason, I went without many things he was willing to provide, and ultimately grew bitter about going without.
Worst of all, I would wait until the very last minute to let him know I’d appreciate some help with this bill, or a replacement for this item… It was all a mess, inconvenient, and disorderly. It took me time, but I gradually have grown out of the fear and shame of seeking and accepting help from my husband. I really had to confront that “daddy issue” and remember that this was the man Yahuah had appointed for me, not the man I chose for myself– and Yahuah is trustworthy.
What kinds of wounds do you have from men or even family? Have you prayed on them? It’s good to get ahead of them while single so that they don’t sprout up right when you’re about to claim a new last name 🥰
Wearing a man’s garment
“Lastly, us Israelite women have to relinquish our masculinity. Our husbands can’t step into their roles when we are already filling it. The “independent black woman” trope is so destructive because it’s not what we were called to be. A real, masculine man does not want to be married to another masculine energy. Unless you want a soft, feminine man, sis, give up that masculinity.“
That last part! If you are a strong independent and masculine woman, you will be mated with an effeminate, dependent man who will not lead in any way. It may sound feasible at first, especially if you’re young. You think “Well, that’s fine. I don’t want someone who will control me, I don’t need leadership. I’m an adult.”
I’ve seen this mentality a lot in Israelite women, both those in the truth and those in the world. They don’t really have foresight as to why masculinity isn’t conducive to a healthy marriage and long-term life. For instance, many single Israelite women I’ve spoken to were highly against the idea of being a stay home mom or homemaker. They said they would rather stay in the workforce, keep advancing in their careers, and let their kids go to daycare. But when I looked deeper as to why, and really pressed them on this, you know what they all said, essentially?
“Well, I just don’t want my husband to be overburdened with providing for the family like that.”
Whew. I get it. And as a helpmeet, this is a natural mentality and desire, to lighten your man’s load. The truth is that sometimes our brothers are undependable, so I understand wanting to stay on your toes and make sure you are covering yourself at all times.
But what’s not natural, is being unable to see that a man’s family is HIS responsibility, and if he doesn’t or can’t handle the responsibility, he shouldn’t get married. Babying our men is the reason they are so effeminate, and the reason we can’t depend on them. Because they get comfortable and know that if he doesn’t do it, then you certainly will, so why bother?
This is just one example of how masculinity in a woman’s heart will turn around and bite her in the rear. It always seems like the best route to take at first glance. That’s why discernment is key. If you take the time to shed off masculinity while single, you’re opening the door for a masculine man to walk in and see that he is wanted, needed, appreciated, and truly makes a difference and impact here. Not just a man who is there, coasting along. Men love a good challenge. It keeps their gears oiled up. And contrary to popular belief, the masculine woman does not give a “good challenge”, she is just a headache, and a braying donkey. It’s the feminine woman who inspires him, urges him forward, and encourages him to pursue heights he’s never seen, with her kindness, holiness, softness, discernment, sobriety and diligence.
Bonus questions
How can a woman tell if a man is kingdom-minded?
It’s in how he lives his life. Does he seek first the kingdom of Yah? Is he committed to his purpose? Does he care for or protect your purpose? Does he shun premarital sex so that y’all don’t move away from that purpose? His heart belongs to the Most High [if he’s Kingdom-minded]. And his actions show it. Men talk through their actions. Pay attention.
“What’s your main message to young women in pursuit of a Kingdom marriage?”
Seek Yah. So many women complain that there are no good men, nah, that’s a whole lie. The truth is, the men they want are hidden in the shadow of the Most High. You want to be found by a good, Kimgdom minded man? Get in the presence of the Almighty. He gone pop up like a jack-in-the-box! Ha! Young women need to seek Yah, seek righteousness, and seek humility as in Zephaniah 2:3.
“How did Yah lead you to curate this retreat?”
“On January 1st, I was in prayer. I had been making all these plans on how I was going to use my time. Yah nudged my spirit. Sis, I knew immediately what was wrong. I turned from my own plans and asked Him, “What do you need me to do.” You see I’m a scribe, by the way. Later that day, again while planning my time, Yah had me write that I would host a discipleship conference. I was flabbergasted. I was praying over this the very next day and the vision for this retreat bloomed like a flower. Yah was so explicit. He gave me every detail of the retreat in a matter of hours, which is a first for me.”
“What kind of activities will you be doing on the retreat?”
“The goal of the retreat is rest, preparation, and healing. We will spend a great bit of time studying the word. As I said, our husbands are in the shadow of the Most High, so that’s where we will be as well. We will spend time in prayer as we heal, seek, and prepare. We will spend time working on ourselves, covering our husbands, and learning the purpose of our unions. There will be activities aligned to these things. That may sound vague, but I’ve surrendered this retreat to Yah so that He may be glorified. He may alter every plan to do some amazing things for his daughters. But this is an all inclusive experience in the heart of nature, with beautiful sights and holy clean foods provided for the entire stay.”
“How can sister’s learn more about the Kingdom Wives Retreat?”
“Visit me at YahMidwife.com to learn more and register. We’ll be at Roosevelt State Park in Morton Mississippi, from March 22nd-24th!”
