“Why Can’t I Be More Than Just a Wife, Like Her?” | Woes of Wifedom

Covered in this article:

1. The Housewife Syndrome
2. Underlying Causes of ‘Housewife Despair’
3. The True Value of a Housewife (According to Yah)

PLUS, a free bonus at the end: Three Viable Ways to Feel Valuable As a Housewife!

The Housewife Syndrome

Being a wife is like the golden, all-coveted title for women– particularly religious women. Our culture, families, and even the workforce remind us each day that a “woman’s place” is beside a man. More specifically, beside a man within the home.

Each day, wives are waking up at the same time as their husbands, putting on their pantsuit and makeup, and leaving the house for 6-9 hours in the name of work.

Housewife used to be the standard. Now, busy wife is the new normal. We see wives running businesses, becoming CEO’s, winning plaques and making history, #girlboss.

As housewives, it’s easy to look at the accomplishments and “progress” of women and compare our own lives.

Run a business? You barely got the laundry done and the grocery shopping completed! Who has the time, you wonder.

Still, you can’t help but be enticed: “Wow! She’s an entrepreneur, a mom, a helper at the church/camp/congregation, AND she’s fit! I didn’t even go to church last week because of a minor inconvenience, and she’s there despite all her roles.”

You get stuck in the same routines each week, pulling your hair out each night, and hardly ever hearing a thank you from the kids or even from your husband. Everybody needs you yet nobody sees you. Are you really valued?

Housewife used to be the standard. Now, busy wife is the new normal

Does your role mean as much as the woman who just opened her second brick and mortar shop? Is your work as important as the midwife? Do you grind as hard as so and so with her new Range Rover that she bought all by herself?

After all, all you do is keep your family from falling apart. But it seems like other wives do that and then some!

So you ask yourself continually, “Why can’t I be more than a wife? Will I ever get the chance to get my masters? What do I need to do to be seen?”

In my own experience, this is exactly what it’s like to wake up in 2020 to see high-achieving women up and down your social media timelines who have worked out, fed the kids, sent them off to school and clocked in as the bigtime lawyer– all before you have even gotten out of bed.

And let’s not get started on the disappointed faces when you reveal that you’re “just” a Housewife \ Stay At Home Mom *intense eye rolling*.

Some women get their sense of purpose from their work and not necessarily from a traditional role within their homes, and that’s okay for them. Can’t we do the same thing concerning Homekeeping as a primary source of purpose?

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Underlying Causes of Housewife Despair

Why are such deep feelings of longing, envy, unfulfillment, and despair plaguing housewives across the globe?

From my own personal observations, the despair is rooted in three major factors:

• Insecurity About Money & Men’s Provision
• Social Pressure
• Lies of the enemy

So let’s talk about!

Insecurity About Money & Men’s Provision

A lot of women who are insecure about being a stay at home wife, are usually more so insecure about finances in a number of ways.

Some are worried about helping around financially, because they want better education for the kids, or to be able to afford better nutrition for the family, and one income isn’t supplememting that.

Others are concerned about the unpredictability of only having one person bringing in money. Layoffs, market changes, or even health emergencies are just few of the many circumstances that threaten to snatch the financial rug of comfort off most modern families, especially those with one income and multiple mouths to feed.

Another insecurity is the one regarding women’s backup plan should the marriage not go as planned. For instance, in the case that the man abandons her, divorces her, or dies. Housewifes fixated on this worry in particular are concerned that without their husband’s income for any reason, they would either be homeless, living with dreaded in-;aws, back home with their family, or struggling to hold everything together on their own.

The next most common insecurity housewives have about money and men’s provision, is one of being controlled.

The idea is that many poor, underclass, impoverished young women become housewives because they are lacking in workforce skills or college education– even high school for some. As helpless, hopeless, and defenseless housewives, these sometimes abused class of women are forced to decide between suffering a life of financially comfortable abuse, or financially uncomfortable poverty/struggle.

These are called ‘kept women’. A woman who is maintained financially by a man in exchange for domestic duties such as laundry, cooking, sex, and even being arm candy in the public; likely emotionally neglected, and required to be present as a servant whenever her husband is present.

Finally, some women who’re insecure about money and their husband’s ability to provide, are not fully convinced that their husband has what it takes to pull through, sacrifice, and make things happen as a man is expected to do.

They distrust masculinity in their man or masculinity overall, likely due to past hurts, trauma, the experience of other women, or the influence of media and culture. This type of insecurity is the worst because it actively undermine’s men, and results in women emmasculating their husbands by putting on a man’s garment (strength and valor) to provide when he both desires and is psychologically wired to be the provider.

It is inadvertently saying ‘I can be a better man than you. Watch’. Even when done in sincerity or good intention, deciding to do a man’s job for him does not EVER help him, and we are called to help him.

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Social Pressure

Deep feelings of despair and longing in housewives can be nonexistent until she is inadvertently insulted by someone simply for working primarily or solely in the home.

Phrases like:

• “Wow I wish I could stay home and do nothing every day!”
• “What will you do (about money) if he leaves you?”
• “Don’t you want to be independent?”

feed into the narrative that housewives don’t work hard, don’t add substantial value to the world, aren’t fully covered by The Most High or by their husbands, and that housewives feel (or should feel) trapped.

The so-called black community in particular has a nasty habit of idolizating the imbalanced and unhealthy grind culture of single black women, or widely known as ‘Strong and Independentism” [add: who don’t need no man!].

Meaning, women in the so-called black community are not only praised for being independent and not needing help, they are mostly expected to be superwomen, never ask for assistance, and are accused of being gold-diggers if they expect to be taken care of beyond a 50/50 relationship (many of whom end up actually taking care of men both financially as well as with domestic duties).

Might I add that this social pressure also comes in the form of fatherlessness in combination with systematic misogynoir, in experiences of my own and that of other so-called black women. On one hand, fatherlessness (whether through imprisonment, abandonment, or death) is a major plague in our communinty as a whole which removes the natural financial covering families receive from men, placing us at an early disadvantage. On the other hand, we are also neglected and underrepresented and sometimes nonexistent in spaces and industries where we overqualify– something that is alarming since we are the number one college degree recipients in the United States, as well as the fastest growing group of entrepreneurs GLOBALLY.

Deep longing for so-called black housewives in particular is arguably even more apparent due to these added factors, and speaking as one, I can say that often other so-called black women are the biggest perpetrators when it comes to social pressure and shame.

Women are naturally competitive, as are humans in general. But when you’re “just” a wife competing against the most educated and most self-employed people on the planet, it’s entirely too easy to experience humiliation, despair, and shame.

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Lies of the enemy

While it’s important to acknowledge the reasonable insecurities about money in a one-income household (especially living in expensive western countries), and bring light to the expectation that we be strong and independent, it’s even more critical to call out everything that tells us we aren’t valuable if we are “just” housewives.

They are lies of the enemy.

The main deception is that in the 21st century, women have minimal value if they’re not highly educated, not liberated from depending upon men, or still putting their families/marriages over their career, despite the work and ‘progress’ of feminism.

Modern women are told men want to make them slaves through marriage because men are lazy, men can’t do their own laundry, men just want to use your body then throw you away, men need women more than women need men!

While women do excellent in the workforce (because Yahuah created us to do good and perfect works specifically as ‘HELPMEETS’), studies have shown that women are drained by, abused by, and have their personal lives neglected by capitalism in a way that is much more harmful to us than it is to men.

For instance, the divorce rate for corporate-employed women is substantially higher than it is for corporate-employed men and women in minimum wage employment– and the divorce rate for corporate employed women GOES UP the more they advance in their careers through pay raises and gained responsibility.

This means that the encouragement for women to be high-achieving and high-earning comes at the cost of marriage and family, something that is widely known yet highly overlooked (especially in the so-called black community where women are the breadwinners yet staggeringly remain unmarried en masse). Women in the work force hardly even given a respectable allotment of maternity leave, and that says everything we need to know. Women are forced to either be gainfully employed, be good wives/mothers, or be single.

Similarly, black women are plagued with some shorter lifespans and diseases correlating to the type of work they do, their workload, and how long of a career they are often forced to have due to being unmarried without a retirement or pension. We are literally working ourselves to death.

Yet, we’re lied to and told that this is not only good for us, but is better than being “just” a wife. Why is this? Well, it should be clear by now: the enemy wants to destroy and separate our homes. Not only this, but he wants to use the god-given talents of women to be fierce worker bees, and then dispose of us once he’s done.

There is nothing new under the sun according to Ecclesiastes 3, and this applies to the lies and tricks of the enemy and the way he attempts to deceive women. Just know that if modern mainstream culture is encouraging something en masse, it more than likely is terrible and detrimental for us Hebrew and Israelite wives.

In fact, the final step of colonization and the true signifier that colonization is successful (right after the removal of that race’s men), is when the female half of the targeted group assimilates to the colonizer’s culture, fully abandons the thought of reproducing or marrying (especially within her own race), and accepts the offer to be a slave as opposed to a woman in the underbelly often forced to starve, commit crime, be a prostitute to survive, run away, or marry her own ‘subjugated’ race of men.

These are all old tricks happening again right under our noses under the guise of progress, modernity, and liberation of women. It has been the enemy’s plan from the beginning, to destroy the harmony between man, women, and Yah by taking the woman out of her natural role, because if you can enslave women (the life givers and nurturers), you have enslaved humanity.

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The Value of a (Good) Housewife

But Yahuah has had a better, more fruitful, and more peaceful plan for women and wives than slavery– without comparison! He even makes it a point to outline what that Perfect Plan is in thorough detail. According to Proverbs 31, Titus 2, Ephesians 5, Sirach (Ecclesiasticus) 26, and even Genesis 2 (plus countless other places), the role of a woman and a wife is clear and leaves no room for confusion.

Let’s premise this section with two important notes–

A) Man was created to worship Yah, be fruitful, and multiply that Yah’s worship would increase

B) Woman was created to help.

It’s that simple. Yah didn’t create them and place them in separate environments, neither did He fail to give them instructions regarding the expected nature of their relationship. Woman was created with intention, and that intention is to complete man as a companion and assist him in his works towards Yahuah.

Here’s a brief overview of a wife’s duty according to scripture:

• submit to husband
• honor husband
• take care of the children
• be sober
• be a good helpmeet
• be a prayer warrior
• be shamefaced, modest, and chaste
• stand tall where your husband falls short
• manage the household/family/property

Read 12 Silent Ways to Blow Your Husband’s Mind for more Biblical homekeeping gems!

“Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears YAHUAH is to be praised. Give her a share in the fruit of her hand, and let her works praise her in the city gates.”

Proverbs 31:30-31

We often do focus on the role and the duties of a good wife… But what is the value? What is the equivalent? What is a housewife, a good wife, “just a wife” truly worth?

Let’s look at some profound verses:

• A capable, intelligent, and virtuous woman—who is he who can find her? She is far more precious than jewels and her value is far above rubies or pearls. (Proverbs 31:10)
  • Note that there is only one other thing in the Scripture whose value is said to be far above gems and stones: wisdom! (“[Godly Wisdom] is more precious than jewels, and nothing you desire can compare with her.” Proverbs 3:15; thus, a virtuous wife is likened to godly wisdom in that they both exceed all riches and wealth in value.

• Houses and wealth are inherited from parents. But a wise wife is a gift only from YAHUAH. (Proverbs 19:14)
  • Wow! This tells us without ambiguity that a good wife is a wise wife, and this type of wife is a GIFT– more importantly, a gift that can only be gifted by The Most High. Among the beautiful gifts that Yah offerns humanity such as life, vision, love, music, food, water, and salvation, a good wife is one of them and has exceeding value. A man can get whatever he needs through whatever means necessary be it cars, houses, clothes, even wealth. But if he wants a good wife, he has to go through her Father. AMEN

• Happy is the husband of a good wife; the number of his days will be doubled. (Sirach 26:1)
  • What a gift indeed. A good wife literally multiplies a man’s lifespan. We know this to be true in the statistics that show that unmarried men die younger than married men en masse! Halal Yahuah! The scripture says the husband of a good wife is happy! Now imagine what a wicked, negligent or even a missing wife does to a man’s life and joy…

• Like the sun rising in the heights of YAHUAH, so is the beauty of a good wife in her well-ordered home. (Sirach 26:16)
  • The beauty of a good wife in her home is like the sun at it’s highest point in the sky– overbearingly bright, pure, providing guidance and nourishment for all life, untouchable, and unable to be hidden, duplicated, or faked! Besides Yah Himself and the face of Messiah (Matthew 17:2), nothing else in Scripture is said to have the glory of the sun except a good wife! Wow.
    • “For YAHUAH is a Sun and Shield; YAHUAH bestows [present] grace and favor and [future] glory (honor, splendor, and heavenly bliss)! No good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly.” Psalms 84:11

In summary, a good wife is invaluable because her price exceeds all earthly riches similar to godly wisdom; she can only be gifted by The Most High Himself; she literally doubles the days of her husband’s life; and she shines with the brilliance of the sun at it’s highest point!

Do you feel that to be true as a housewife? Can you even believe the contrast between what the world says you are worth versus what Yah says you are worth? What will it mean to you moving forward? How can you begin to implement this knowledge and defeat self-doubt, insecurity, and despair as a woman being pressured to prioritize the world over her home?

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BONUS!: Three Viable Ways to Feel Valuable As A Housewife

1. Believe Yah before you believe the world concerning your worth

This is huge and primary because if your thoughts evolve around what the world says about you or expects from you, you will always find yourself defeated by the envy of women who are “more than wives”.

Don’t just know about Yah’s Word regarding you, only reading it and memorizing it. But know it also, believing it to be true, standing tall on it, and living in it faithfully.

2. Take pride in the benefits you offer your family and know that you are appreciated

What can replace a good wife such as yourself? Not only do you honor your husband, love your children, and take care of your home, you are close to Yah, you double your husband’s life, and you are a colossal badge of honor to those who receive your charitable service.

Even during the days, weeks, or months that you don’t hear a thank you, know that your family would quickly fall apart without your presence, and that your husband simply cannot accomplish his Yah-ordained tasks without a helpmeet.

3. Acknowledge that you are attempting to live in your purpose according to Yah’s Perfect Plan for women

Don’t sleep on the fact that putting your marriage and home above everything else is what Yah has ordered for believing women, PERIOD.

It’s not just some honorable title. It’s not similar to any job on the planet. Even the sweetest nectar cannot be compared to the fruit of a diligent housewife. It is the Will of Yahuah!

Being a wife is your utmost service to Yah, in that it has been His plan since the beginning, He calls young women to prepare for their groom, and designed you with every fabric of your being to be able to help a man in ways that no one and no other thing can!

Your divine purpose is fulfilled in getting in order with the Will of Yah. This is not a small deal. This is eternity we’re talking about!

Gird your spiritual loins against the Housewife Syndrome, lies of the enemy, and envy of women who do “more”! You do have value outside of being a wife, but it’s not found in the world because Yah says your value is beyond all the wealth this world has to offer! Your value as a woman and human being comes from being a beloved creation of The Most High, anointed to do good works and raise His Name.

I know firsthand how depressing it can be to feel like an under-achiever simply because society doesn’t value good wives the way it used to. But Yah– He doesn’t change! When I started seeking Him out for my purpose and value, I began to care less about what the world had going on, and more about how to please Him with my wifedom!

Within Him there is peace. Without Him there is nothing. Stand firm in His Truth, love the calling on your life, and before you long for the achievements of another women, ask yourself, “Is that even a part of what Yah wants for me?”

I hope you were blessed by this article. If so, please do give it a like, share it with a fellow woman who may be struggling with the Housewife Syndrome, and don’t forget to follow The Hebrew Houswife for consistent Set Apart Living for The Daughters of Israel: Marriage, Homemaking, Biblical Living, and Devotion 🙂

Shloma!