I’ve been in the truth since 2017, and I’ve been blogging and ministering to women in truth through this blog since 2019. I’ve had contact with a couple hundred women over the years, most of whom are married. Most of them are happily married, but I’m going to be honest, many of them aren’t.
And before you jump to any conclusions, no, this article isn’t an attack on Israelite men. Israelites aren’t a monolith. Some of us are Messianic, some aren’t. Some are American, some aren’t. Some of us are in religious cults, some aren’t. Some of us are black, and some aren’t. There are many factors that come into play or influence our walk as those who say we believe we’re the descendants of Jacob. So just because these are the common complaints of Israelite women in marriage, it doesn’t mean that all Israelite/believing men are bad husbands, or that all Israelite women suffer in marriage as is commonly perpetuated in anti-Shemetic media.
None of these complaints are exclusive to Israelites. All marriages from all corners of the world have issues. If you’re not an Israelite but you’re reading this, I’m sure you could name a few problems you have/have had in marriage that took prayer or fasting to resolve.
I’d also like to encourage you to pray for our sisters! It takes a village to rebuild the Holy City New Jerusalem, who is said to be the Bride of YAHUAH (Rev 21). Marriage is a sensitive subject, and I share these woes in the hopes of enlightening young unmarried women, unmarried young men, and maybe even couples looking for ways to stand guard against evil within their covenants.
“My husband won’t… marry me”
This is probably number one. You probably won’t be surprised that Israelite women I talk to reveal that, “Well, no, we actually don’t have a covenant. We didn’t have a ceremony before two-three witnesses. I don’t have his last name. We just live together, have sex, and say we’re married.”
Unfortunately, many women, not just Israelite women, fall into this trap from modern men who don’t value a true marital covenant. And it’s heartbreaking for me to tell these sisters, “That’s not your husband, just because he has known you [in a sexual way]. He needs to actually marry you.”
I myself fell victim to this at the beginning of my walk, and it’s a huge paart of my testimony that I tend to share when I meet women in this situation. Spoiler alert: I repented, left that unlawful situation, and decided I would give the keys to my womb to my covenant husband ONLY!
Sometimes getting a real covenant is a deal breaker for their partners, but other times the men do decide they should actually get married. I really don’t know who needs to hear this, but sex isn’t marriage. Scripture demonstrates that marriage must be a covenant performed ritualistically, and shows us there are prostitutes in the Bible. If there were prostitutes, yet supposedly sex is marriage, then a whore was married to every man she slept with? No. This is in fact why she was considered a prostitute, because she was sexually involved with various men who were not her covenant partner, often in exchange for money or goods.
That said, I never encourage these women to depart from these men, unless:
- They are being abused or
- The men absolutely will not hear her on the matter of desiring a true covenant.
In my opinion, a man who refuses to marry you especially after having kids with you or being with you for more than 2 years, is in all honesty a man who doesn’t see you worthy of it, doesn’t care that you won’t be entitled to any assets in the event of his death, and doesn’t see you in his life long-term — he just won’t outright say it. In this case, a woman should repent of having an unlawful relationship and humble herself to the LORD for direction. Again this is my opinion.
Unfortunately, however, since he has “known” you, sometimes it may be better to try to work things out, especially if you have children. This can be a slippery slope. Each situation is different, and my main encouragement is to seek Yah without leaning on our own understanding; He will direct our paths!
“My husband doesn’t listen to me”
This is a close second. So many wives have reached out to me over the years to seek advice when their husbands are on course to making a huge mistake. Or, they’re ignoring their wife’s request. Or, they don’t care about what’s on their wife’s heart.
I hear it all. The causes and reasons vary. Maybe the husband is too proud to accept his wife’s advice. Maybe he’s made an attempt to resolve an issue and she doesn’t find his efforts satisfactory. Or, maybe, he simply doesn’t make the time to hear her out.
I myself have experienced this, and I think it’s quite common. As women, we have the tendency to pedestalize men as our saviors, and we turn to our husbands with every woe, complaint and need. Sometimes we mean well, sometimes we nag, sometimes we say the opposite of what we mean.
I have two words of advice to every women experiencing this in marriage.
- Your husband is not your savior. It is his duty to provide, protect and lead, in that order. But let’s not misunderstand: he cannot bear it all for you. Sometimes the matters of our hearts must be handed to YAH first, who is always equipped and available to address whatever it is we place on His Altar. We have to get out of the habit of trying hubby first, then God second. Try Abba first in all things.
- Examine your feminine approach to being heard. Do you yell, nag, question, berate or belittle in order to get your points across? Many women I talk to do express regret for these behaviors, because frustration had overwhelmed them. I always encourage these sisters to first, have quiet-time; meditate on the matter with Yah, and first try to understand your own feelings. Are you afraid of what will happen if your husband doesn’t listen? Are you feeling distrustful, hesitant to give him your heart? Do you expect him to simply understand you without the need to go into depth? Then, I encourage women, based on the situation, to be kinder, more supportive, and find ways to destress.
You always catch more flies with honey than vinegar. We as women yield a power that men simply do not have, it’s called femininity. It is a super-strength. Softness, virtue, quietude, humility, and patience will get you closer to a man’s heart than yelling, nagging, resistance or bitterness.
But, this isn’t a one-size fits all resolution. Sometimes, couples need prayer and fasting; other times a husband needs to humble himself; and sometimes, it’s the wife who has a log in her eye that she must tend to first.
“My husband is into strange doctrine/cult ideology.”
Whew. Deep breath. Here comes the interpretation chat. I think a large element of wisdom in the Scripture is sealed until the day of… get this… REVELATION. If we all had it all figured out, there would be no strife, war, famine, or chaos in the earth.
So, yes, I think some things are outlandish and foolish to believe. But then there are some things that seem like common sense to me and can be easily verified by actually reading Scripture and history.
I won’t go too into detail about what these strange doctrines are according to wives, because I don’t care to debate about my personal opinion. I think some matters are a result of being led by Yah in a different direction than others. After all, He only called one person to build an ark; He only called one person to slay Goliath; He only called one person to love Gomer the whore. Not everyone’s path is the same.
But I will say this: unmarried sisters need to do their due diligence in investigating a man’s theology BEFORE (again, BEFORE) getting married. Because after marriage, it is our duty to submit and support.
Submission doesn’t mean blindly supporting and following. It means that even if we disagree, we understand it is our appointment by YAH as women, to be the one to initiate peace by yielding our will. A great example of this is Abraham and Sarah visiting Egypt.
“As he was about to enter Egypt, he said to his wife Sarai, ‘I know what a beautiful woman you are. When the Egyptians see you, they will say, “This is his wife.” Then they will kill me but will let you live. Say you are my sister, so that I will be treated well for your sake and my life will be spared because of you.'”
Genesis 12:11-12
Let’s be clear: Abraham lied and encouraged his wife to lie. His justification remains to be debated. It is believed he had a valid concern, and was acting out of good faith. However, a lie is a lie, I can imagine that as a wife, even though Sarah didn’t rebel against his idea, she certainly had her reservations. And regardless of his intentions, Sarah was still ultimately captured by Pharaoh.
It’s okay to disagree. It’s okay to express our reservations. It’s not okay to outright rebel– not because it’s the “wrong thing to do”. But because rebellion doesn’t help solve the issue. You and hubby are on the same team. He is not your enemy, and this is not a battle of flesh and blood. Your marriage is not a courtroom, and you are neither a lawyer nor a judge. Put on your big-girl skirt and try Yah first, sit with you feelings, meditate, destress, and trust your FATHER in all things.
Some things we absolutely SHOULD say NO to, but that is a conversation for another day.
“I don’t feel feminine/don’t have time to care for myself”
I get this frequently as well. Between the kids, the home, and tending to hubby on top of outside responsibilities (like ministering at the “church” or helping a family member when possible), many wives don’t have the time to unwind, even for twenty minutes.
From sun-up to sundown, she’s just going, going, going. Sometimes, she expresses this concern to her husband and he fails to help her create a pocket of relaxation to herself. But other times, the wife is playing super-woman, silently suffering, believing it to be the noble thing to do, working in a masculine way, and growing bitter towards those around her.
I’ve discussed this widely on the podcast, and I encourage you to listen to it if this is your struggle.
My biggest word of advice is to wake up early to spend time with Yah, and then have a little treat. We as women are overwhelmed by our duties when we don’t lay them on the Altar. They consume us, our minds and our time. We worry about getting it all done, when we shouldn’t be worried at all. Instead, we should have peace, take our time, and be comforted knowing that YAHUAH’s will is being done because He cares for us.
And when I say have a little treat, this could simply be enjoying something that brings you pleasure. I’ve said it before on Finding Quiet-Time In A Busy Home, this can make all the difference in how we start our days. I personally enjoy tea in a quite corner as I read the Word and pray, followed by a short session playing games on the computer, writing, or grooming myself for the day.
My second word of advice is to express your needs (to Yah then to your husband), ask for help, delegate tasks, enlist other family members, utilize your resources to the fullest, and most importantly, don’t be afraid or ashamed to simply let some things go unfinished if you aren’t getting any help. You can’t do it all. That’s okay. You weren’t created to.
There is grace awaiting us in our shortcomings and exhaustion. Accept it.
It is more of a drag on your femininity to worry and drain yourself over worldly matters than it is to simply let some things be. Rest.
“My husband wants me to do something(s) I would rather not do.”
I can think of a short list off the top of my head of things women tell me their husband want them to do but they aren’t interested in:
- Polygyny
- Anal sex
- Having more children
- Attending a certain church, temple, congregation or camp
- Move to Israel/abroad
I’m not going to lie, either, this is often where I inform most wives that I cannot and will not make decisions for their marriage; nor will I encourage her to rebel. She should practice discretion and personally ensure that her concerns are coming from a place of righteousness and not fear, anxiety, or discord.
I think “NO” is a complete sentence, full stop. It doesn’t need an explanation. If something is a serious boundary cross to us, especially if it endangers us or our children, No is a sufficient response.
Yet, in marriage, we must be willing to communicate further, instead of putting up a complete and total wall. Depending on the situation, I encourage you to try to open your heart to at least understanding your husband’s desires or vision. In my experience, at least trying to understand made me less likely to argue with him about it. I realized that when I listened more, he started listening more, and ultimately he may have been able to come to the conclusion for himself that it was in fact not the right thing for us, or not right for us at the time.
Just as we hope our husbands will do for us, we must be willing to make space for them to express their hearts and be themselves. It doesn’t mean we accept their sin or folly, but it does mean we try to be a safe space where our husband is free to be vulnerable, real, and share his heart with someone, the flesh of his flesh.
Ask why, discover the root of his desire, ask for more time to consider it, and ask Yah how you can pray for your husband. Most importantly, nothing has worked better for me than this, even in my short years of being married:
“Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.”
1 Peter 3:1-2
