Pregnancy has affected my sleep, my ability to eat, my mental clarity and memory (hello, mom-brain, anyone?), and my energy. But even sleepless nights or incessant heartburn pales in comparison to how emotionally vulnerable I feel while growing a human.
My hormones are all over the place, and I find myself less able to control these waves of emotions that come over me. Rage, despair, sadness, exuberance, panic, loneliness, euphoria, and sorrow can all wash over me in one day— before noon!
And I can’t lie, sometimes I start to get in a funk, especially when I start looking at our situation. When I first started praying to have baby #2, I was in an ideal situation to have another baby. But now, 2 years later and I’m finally pregnant, we are now no longer in an ideal situation, at least by my judgement. I know Yahuah’s judgement and timing is supreme, though.
So I’m sharing this to not only encourage you if you’re struggling to see the silver lining in your pregnancy; but I’m also writing this as a reminder to myself. None of the physical challenges of motherhood feel as frustrating as no longer feeling like I’m in control of my own mind. The high’s are very high, but the lows are lower than I’ve ever felt. Some days it can feel impossible to regain that control, but here’s what I’m learning to do and finding that works.
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Pray for Joy
Joy is a fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23). The Joy of Yahuah is our strength! Weeping may endure a night, but joy comes in the morning.
Joy is not like happiness. We feel happy when we please our flesh, when we are satisfied with life, when we indulge in something pleasurable. That can be food, activities, or even being around friends or family. Happiness is dependent upon external factors.
But Joy, something holy, is something we can experience even when things aren’t perfect, if we turn to the Lord. Joy is a byproduct of having His Spirit, of interacting with His Spirit, of welcoming His Spirit. It’s beyond affirmations, mantras, and mindfulness. Joy is a gift from On High, a lavish endowment from Yahuah that is available whenever we so seek it.
When I’m not happy about something in pregnancy— whether it’s big or small, from my sleeping positions to my birth plan— I’m learning to simply ask Yahuah for joy. It changes everything.
Stay Off Social Media
If anyone’s a social media junky, it’s me. And definitely not intentionally. Sometimes I’m looking for a laugh, so I go to reels. Sometimes I need to reply to an important conversation, so I open my DMs. And sometimes, I’m looking for blogging or art inspiration, so I open up Pinterest. It can be second nature if you’re someone like me who grew up obsessed with tech, or if a lot of your life happens online.
But over the last few years, Abba has shown me how detrimental it is for my mental health to be constantly exposed to other people’s lives. People don’t just show their lives, they show their best life. The filtered version. The house right after it’s been cleaned, the kids right when they’re content enough for pics, their travels, their dinner, their outfits and beauty, their marriage…
It’s hard to constantly see how another woman’s pregnancy is going, especially if she’s posting professional maternity photos, her pregnancy workouts, her gender reveal and baby shower and baby announcement.
You know what’s so crazy? One day, I opened Instagram just to scroll. But the first picture was of a young woman I had counseled, who was having problems in her relationship because she didn’t respect her prospect. The man had said he’d wanted to marry her but didn’t know if he could if she didn’t change. Well, when I saw this post, it was months later, and she had had a beautiful wedding, and now she was pregnant.
I knew she was pregnant, too. She’d shared many pictures on her page. But when I opened Instagram that day and saw one of her new perfect maternity photos, I got so angry. At the time, I was still trying to conceive. But here she was, a disrespectful woman who hadn’t even been married a whole year, glowing and growing a human. She didn’t even have to try! (in my eyes)
That envy drug me into a dark hole for about 12 hours. I cried myself to sleep after immediately closing the app. I was so triggered and so jealous, just from seeing one picture! I knew I wasn’t okay, and I needed a break. So I decided to take one.
But funnily enough, two days later, I found out I was finally pregnant. Fretting for no reason, envious for no reason.
And no, my pregnancy still doesn’t look as glamorous as hers. I don’t know if maternity photos are in my budget, I’m not having an elaborate baby shower, and I likely won’t be at the gym showing off my baby bump under all my muscles.
But you know what? I minimized my time looking at other women, and it has been the best decision ever. There’s no need to compare, to obsess over other people photo albums, or to dwell on what’s happening in the world because I have enough things to be joyful about, enough pleasures to enjoy and cherish in my own life.
Think About Your Purpose & Vision in Motherhood
So what do I do with that time I’m no longer wasting on social media?
I pray on my vision and think about my purpose in motherhood.
What do I want each day to look like? How will I manage all the new changes? What kinds of new parental boundaries will I set with family? Which activities and moments am I looking forward to the most?
What kind of mother do I want to be this time around?
Sometimes I write it down, or pray about it at the lake, or just sit in silence to contemplate.
Doesn’t mean I’ll achieve all these things, since Yahuah is in control at the end of the day. It just means I’m focused ahead instead of on what’s around me, or what’s behind me. Focusing on something I’m hopeful and excited about. Focusing on making the best of something that will be hard, something I don’t feel like I have support in.
Sometimes I just sit and visualize all the kisses I want to share with baby. Walks in the neighborhood. Making a new homemaking routine. I’m thinking about what’s good, pleasing, and perfect. I’m thinking about things that are true, just, holy, loveable…
“Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.” Philippians 4:8
It’s not always about what’s happening. Sometimes it’s about where we’re putting our minds. I like having my mind on things that are of virtue, things that are pure. To me, that’s my relationship with my children, especially in this season.
Get Exercise, Sunshine, and Whole Foods
Pregnancy is a hormonal time. Hormones are regulated in the pituitary gland, or the “third eye”. Hormones are what tells our bodies what to do. Hormones tell us when to menstruate, when to sweat, and even when to fear (adrenaline and cortisol). Hormones are what’s helping our bodies as our baby grows in our uterus, and these hormones are in absolute overdrive.
That’s why I emphasize hormone regulation during pregnancy. And in fact, hormone regulation was what I focused on while trying to conceive that ended up making the biggest impact on my fertility.
So the things I was doing then, I keep doing now, and even so more with intention.
Have a mild walk. Go slow if you have to. Do some gentle stretches. Just burn a few calories, get those muscles moving, get the blood flowing.
Get your vitamin D! Get your iron in! When we especially as black women aren’t getting these, we are prone to depression, exhaustion, and despondency. Especially in the less sunny months or climates. Take in the sunshine, breathe in some fresh air, sit by a tree or plant or an open window.
Finally, and most importantly, take a survey of what you’re eating. Nothing impacts our hormones more than this! I’m not saying do a complete overhaul of your diet or meal plan. But are you being intentional, or just eating?
It’s less about taking away, and more about adding. Especially since while pregnant, we need an extra 300-500 calories a day to support baby. It’s okay to have fried chicken for dinner; but are you eating veggies on the side? Are you having fresh fruit? Are you having jelly or fruit preserves? Are you eating cheese or cheese products? (Kraft and spray cheese, I’m looking at you).
You’re gonna crave, and I certainly do. My weakness in this pregnancy is definitely cookies n’ cream ice cream! Yummy. But I have to be moderate, because I’m lactose intolerant, because my body does not enjoy cow milk products, because the ice cream is heavily process, and because one serving has 3x the recommended daily intake for sugar.
Be mindful and thoughtful about how you’re treating your body in this journey, because you may not really be depressed or sad. You could just have hormonal imbalance.
Journal
I’m your journal bestie. I’ve been journaling since I learned how to put words on the paper as a kid. It just does something for me.
Stress relief, reflection, making lists and reminders, visualizing my ideas, venting, and even prayer/scripture journaling— the possibilities are endless.
I find that journaling is especially helpful for when I have a lot on my heart and the urge to release it on my family. I don’t think it’s bad to share your heart with your loved ones. But sometimes, as I’ve come to accept, people will offer advice instead of just listening. And we don’t always need advice, especially if people aren’t pointing directly to Scripture. Sometimes, we just want to be heard.
Journaling my feelings and often writing them like a letter to The Most High helps me feel heard, work through my emotions, and later I can re-read and reflect. Often times when I go back to reflect I can see that maybe I was overreacting, or being brash, or maybe I’m not showing enough grace to someone else or even myself. We are granted an access to ourselves through being able to see our thoughts on paper, that we wouldn’t otherwise be able to comprehend.
Journaling can also be really fun! It doesn’t have to be so serious. Answer silly questions, doodle, use colorful highlighters and pens, get some pretty stickers! I typically like to journal on my iPad, with an app called GoodNotes. I get digital stickers for cheap through etsy, or I make my own through Canva! I get lost for hours just making a blank page pretty. And I always end up feeling more grounded afterwords, even if I didn’t get to the bottom of my frustrations.
Some things are just about the process and enjoyment, and not about the product or end result. Such is the case with femininity.
Go Slow
Speaking of processes… Do you rush through cooking, cleaning, sex, or prayer? Maybe you rush through your kids homework, or rush to bed once everything is done through the day.
The question is why? I know you have a lot of things to get done. But when you rush, you ultimately end up having to do some of these things over again because you were going too fast the first time. As craftsmen say, measure twice, cut once.
There is joy to be found in the doing, not just in the producing. Gardening is therapeutic not just because you get to grow things, but because you get to slow down, touch dirt, smell the earth, work your hands, get sunshine, and bring life forth.
Enjoy things that aren’t typically enjoyable, by simply slowing down. My number one tip is to wake up early. Sometimes I get up at 5:30-6 in the morning. I worship and read the Bible; then I have a nice slow breakfast that I take my time preparing; then I’ll either shower and do self care, or sit and plan my day. All of this gets done before 8am. It’s a great way to start the day off with a sense of accomplishment. It sets the tone for success for the rest of the day.
And, it gives us a chance to get ahead of things, so we no longer feel the need to rush.
Stay in The Word and Relevant Literature
This doesn’t even need emphasizing, does it? The Word has encouragement, promises, hope, wisdom, reminders, parables, poems for worship, prayers, parenting tips, money management tips examples of how God works, examples of people who went through similar things as you…
The list can go on. The point is that The Word has everything we need, literally. All we have to do is open it and spend some time with our Lord, our Provider. Anything at all you need, you can access it through His Book.
I also recommend parenting books or family and relationship books, because you just never know what you might learn. It doesn’t even have to be from this category either. I find that even psychology, sociology, anthropology, geography, and microbiology has helped me understand the world around me, the people I love, and myself just a little bit better than before.
It’s enriching to read and be well read. I don’t think these books trump the Bible, and I don’t think the Bible needs any supplication. And I advise caution when consuming things from different sources from people with their own motives for publishing. However, I think that reading reference and non-fiction books is at any rate better than scrolling or watching TV.
Bonus: be still. It’s okay to just… do nothing. Literally. To sit in silence, in a comfortable place, with no distractions whatsoever, just you and God. It’s amazing the things we can hear when we are quiet or in a quiet place!
