While everyone is taking their dusty boxes of Holy Day decor out of storage, we are packing ours away. As if this time of year isn’t already usually hectic, we found out our lease where we’re renting will not be renewed, with 60 days to vacate.
Just writing this makes my stomach turn. Here it is, October 23rd, we’re moving mid November-ish, and as of now I have yet to pack a single box. I just can’t bring myself to do it yet. How does one celebrate Sukkot– the Festival of Homes!!!!!– with boxes everywhere?
Let me just add that I’m actually relieved to be moving. I like the area and the actual house we’re in. It’s the property manager, the owners and the neighbors that have made it chaotic for us from the very beginning.
My husband originally was not intending to move. He wanted to stay put for another year, to give us time to save more money. I submitted and did my best to be optimistic: focusing on beautifying our space, going on walks, making friendly with some of our neighbors. But secretly I was begging in prayer for Yah to move us somewhere greener, quieter, and more orderly.
So not only was i relieved to find out we were going to move. I was ecstatic. It felt like Yah heard my prayers. My husband and I outlined the things we are looking for in our next home, and we spent about 2-3 weeks touring about 6 homes. Yah had narrowed it down for us and showed us which 1 to apply for.
And now, as you know, after applying, it’s a waiting game. Chasing admins, begging for follow-ups, checking emails every hour. It’s all in Yah hands at this point. I can’t make the process go any more quickly. All i can do is prepare while I wait.
Have you ever been in my situation, or a situation similar? Where you were given instruction, you obeyed, but the result is not immediate. And you’re left waiting, hoping that what you did, what you offered, what you sacrificed was enough.
If so then you know how nerve-racking it can be. Especially when it’s something substantial and very serious such as where you’re going to be living.
But one thing I hear Yah saying to me, is that with Him, there is no “last minute”. He is eternal, from everlasting to everlasting. His reign is from antiquity. From beginning to beginning. What are minutes to Him? Nothing at all.
It’s easy to say you trust Yah. But it’s another thing entirely to submit timing into His hands. This is something with which I’ve always struggled. From art, to men, to family, to career and yes, our home, I have been known to jump ahead of Yahuah’s words to hurry up and get things done.
Spoiler alert: me rushing has always backfired. Hard.
When I rushed into relationships, those men hurt me. When I rushed to this job or that job, I faced burnout or hostility in the workplace. When I rushed to do anything to please myself, I was always ultimately left feeling empty, betrayed by myself, and if I’m honest, angry at Yah.
Angry that He’s in control, and yet, won’t deem me worthy of good things, like a husband, or house, or baby. Each time I failed after rushing, my anger would just grow and grow. And instead of realizing I only had myself to blame, I used my failures as an excuse to say “See, this is why I need to figure it out without The Most High— because when I look to Him, He gives me nothing!”
This was probably my number one struggle. I believed in God but deep down, I didn’t think He wanted to lead me, that He cared about my desires, or that He had my best interest at heart. I imagined him like my parents: there in case I really need him, but it’s better if I don’t need him. That was my philosophy.
I studied the Bible, prayed, and sang songs of worship. And then I turned around and did every single thing my way. The way I dressed, how i spoke, what i ate, who i spent time with, how i worked, the goals I set, etc. In my mind, Yah was worthy of my Bible time and worship time, but not my sex life, or my beauty, or my goals. No, no, no. Those areas were mine!
I didn’t trust Him with the most important places in my life, because I had never even given Him a chance to show me how trustworthy He is. That’s how broken, scarred, and defensive I was with my heart. Being orphaned, abused, going through eating disorders, becoming a teen mom, being homeless— it erodes your trust in yourself as a decision maker, in other humans as reliable creatures, and in Yahuah as a savior.
As far as I knew, He was my savior in a past tense– he covered my sins before I was even born. Otherwise, I never felt like he saved me, or truly cared, or was personal with me.
In 2018, perhaps the worst year of my life (the first half anyway 🙃), I moved back to my mother’s home after doing everything in my will to get away. I knew it was the Lord who had brought me back. As much as it hurt me to be humbled in that way, I promise the lord i would stay in my mother’s home or my family home until he delivered me to my husband. No more miss independent.
Because up until that point I’d been leading myself. No father or mentor in sight. No one to take account for me. I was fending for myself, and doing a terrible job if I do say so myself. Under my own leadership, i became a mother at 17, with many failed relationships, no home, no career, no education, and no type of security whatsoever.
I just decided I was done being in charge. I clearly didn’t know what I was doing. No need to keep being stubborn. I finally began yielding to Yah in small ways. Letting Him tell me when to wake up, what to eat, how to pray.
Before I knew it, He was guarding my lips, managing my money, touching my friendships, and at the end of 2018, He had introduced me to my husband, though I didn’t know it at the time. And just because I started obeying and yielding, doesn’t mean the desires of my heart were instantly placed at my feet.
I met my husband in 2018. We had a virtual marriage ceremony in 2020 (because we were long distance). And we didn’t actually even meet in person until a year later in 2021. That was quite a wait. And there were many times in those early years that I was so focused on getting to my husband that I didn’t see the ways Yah was preparing my heart for marriage. How He wanted to refine me. How He wanted to illustrate to me that He is The Groom, and we are the Bride, and what does a husband do? Take care of his woman full stop.
It wasn’t until I was my most vulnerable again, that I really truly sought Yah to take care of me. No job, no savings, living with my abusive grandmother, and trying to figure out how I’m going to move across the country to be with my husband while his money is wrapped up in getting us a home.
I learned to ask. His Word says Ask and ye shall receive. Part of me didn’t believe that. But I started asking anyway. Of course He had to fix the unbelief in my heart. But even with my meager faith, He delivered many small and big prayers unto me.
So I asked and asked. Whatever I needed, I sought my Abba, because He told me He was my Groom. He led me to Romans 10:11, which says,
For the Scripture saith, Whosoever believeth on him shall not be ashamed.
I told myself, “Okay let’s put this to the test. Whatever I trust in Him for, no matter what it looks like, the outcome will never being me shame no matter what.”
That scripture made it clear to me that if I trusted Him to lead me, I wouldn’t regret it. So I let my walls down even more, just to see if this was true. I obeyed orders that I would usually run away from, did things i was afraid to do, said things i was afraid to say. Because if i trusted Him, there would be no shame.
Almost 5 years later, I’m with the love of my life, we have 2 wonderful children, and even though we don’t yet own a home, we carry a sense of stable cozy with us everywhere we go.
I read a quote on Instagram the other day.
(Paraphrasing)
“You don’t have everything you want right now. But you do have most of what you wanted 3 years ago.”
I can’t lie, this is true for me. 3 years ago it was 2023. We’d just lost our first home together, and moved in with my in-laws. My marriage hit a rough patch, our finances spiraled, and I got pregnant at the worst possible time (in my head). I started feeling truly alone, more alone than I’ve ever felt. Having a baby at your in-laws with no other family around can certainly do that to you.
3 years ago, all I wanted was to bounce back: get out of their house, get our own space, recreate my homemaking routine, get back into blogging and podcasting, and move on.
Well, today i haven’t been podcasting or blogging much. But we bounced back, by the grace of Yah. We moved out last year, I’ve been able to make a home the way i want, and we have private space to uphold Israelite traditions without fear of judgement.
So even though my life today doesn’t look the way I think I need it to look, this is the life i prayed for 3 years ago.
And what do you know– I went to our landlord and they were practically begging us to stay and renew our lease, despite being the ones to tell us to go. Our Abba works in mysterious ways.
I don’t know what trusting Yah looks like during this foggy season. Not really. I know I’m waiting on Him, and praising while I’m waiting. It’s so divine my family is going through this dieting Sukkot, a festival for the remembrance of His care for us as we dwelt in tents in the wilderness after escaping slavery in Egypt. The irony is not lost on me, neither is the beauty.
Everyday I wake up and think to myself, “I just want to go home.” Like a kid stranded at summer camp, I have had enough. Today, He showed me this Scripture:
Hebrews 13:5 KJVAAE
[5] Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.
It’s easy to see when we are coveting someone else’s blessings, like the Israelite in the wilderness who begged to go back to Egypt. But it takes another level of quiet introspection to see when we are coveting our own blessings that are yet to come. Like Sarah, who was promised a child, but anxious in her wait decided to offer the womb of her servant instead.
Waiting is a part of life. Waiting patiently, however, is an artform. Because we are all going to wait at many points in life, but what we do while we wait can alter our lives and the lives of our generations.
Happy Sukkoth!
