There are days when I feel like I just can’t go on. That maybe the best thing for me is to no longer exist. Or at the least, temporarily enter a state of insignificance.
No dishes, no diapers, no dinner. Just nothing and nothingness.
Celebrating Hanukkah this year has been eye opening and bitter sweet. Mostly sweet. I’m learning about myself, my marriage, my children and my Creator. For instance, I realize that in speaking to my husband, it truly is more important for me to listen than it is for me to be heard. For a very long time I’ve thought that unless I was doing most of the talking then I would never be understood. And if I was never understood, then we could never be on the same page.
It’s okay if I understand what I’m feeling and my husband doesn’t right then and there. It doesn’t pose any immediate threat to the conversation or our lives. He can understand later. But right then, he’s got something important to say. And if I’m talking about how I feel, I can’t hear him. He is, after all, my leader. I trust him to do just that.
I had that revelation during a conversation on day 2 of Hanukkah. We were talking and I found myself interrupting less and less, reminding myself to let him finish his thought. Just as I prepared to speak each time, something he said clicked within me. So I kept silent, marinated on it, and prepared my next words. But when I wanted to speak again, his words resonated with me even deeper. Until I entered a state of revelation about many things that had been bothering me.
I was finally able to forgive someone, just by listening to my husband. Who would’ve thought that the key to healing was silence?
On day 3 of Hanukkah, I lit the menorah candles since it fell on Shabbat. My husband says it is customary for the woman to light the sabbath candles, so I did that and prayed over us. It was lovely.
Immediately afterwards I sat next to hubby and told him what Yah was telling me:
“You only have to be strong enough for today. Wise enough for today. You don’t need to find strength for tomorrow right now. You can do that tomorrow. If you can get through today then you can get through anything. Just be here today.”
He said, “Now that’s a good word!”
Indeed. I’m not sure how much he needed to hear that, but that was certainly exactly what I needed to hear. When I start to feel like “I wish I could be nothing for a few days” it’s normally because I’m overwhelmed. Not just overwhelmed by the day’s work; but by the thoughts of tomorrows work, and the work for the day after that, and so on. Sitting there thinking, “How the heck am I actually gonna get through this [week/month/season]?”
But right now, I am not getting through the week. I’m not getting through the month. And I’m not getting through the season. I’m getting through today. That is where I choose to focus. Because today is not too much for me. But next week is. I can’t manage todays load and tomorrow’s, too, at the same time.
“So do not worry or be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will have worries and anxieties of its own. Sufficient for each day is its own trouble.”
Matthew 6:34 AMPC
There is always just enough. Exactly what we need, right when we need it. Never less. Enough money, enough food, enough warmth, enough love to get through today. Yahusha calls this Daily Bread in the Lord’s Prayer. Give us today our daily bread, or this day’s bread… what is sufficient for today.
If I know I’m going to get that everyday for the rest of my life, where will worry serve me?
I don’t always understand nor do I always feel confident in my skills as a Homemaker, heart as a wife, or wisdom as a mother. When the doubt, despair or even envy creeps up on me, that’s when I know I have to simply make a list.
Doesn’t matter what kind of list really. Any kind. A to do list. A list of favorites. A grocery list. An ideas about dinner list. A list of books. A list of prime numbers. A list of Scripture. Lists are very effective at getting me out of my own head, much like journaling. Except it requires less emotional input than journaling. It’s more of a ‘let’s slow down’ exercise. And it works.
After I’ve made my list— the silly list of nail polish names or a list of all the kinds of trees I can name from memory— I look at it. It is insignificant. It doesn’t mean anything at first glance. It just represents five minutes that I was able to spend outside of my own head and worry. It grows on me.
Maple. Red cedar. Pine. Magnolia.
I’m okay. Life is good. God is good. Life goes on.
Cherry. Fir. Oak. Bamboo.
This isn’t the end. I am small but not insignificant. Being small can be powerful too. Just be still.
Apple. Palm. Bonsai. Fig.
Yahuah is enough for me. His strength is enough for me. I can get through this moment, then I can get through this day. And if I can get through today then that is enough for the rest of my life.
