Kids only get 1 (one) childhood. One chance to be carefree, wild, and imaginative. The one chance they have in life to waste time, be messy, sleep, and play with bubbles in the tub.
Unfortunately, we know Israelite children often have their childhood innocence ripped away too soon. When they go to the playground or school, they hear kids calling them or their friends nigger. They are excluded by race. Teachers and other adults never take their word as truth in any issues that may arise. And they learn very quickly, before they should ever have to, exactly what society thinks of them.
I try not to worry about my children. When I was a kid, I endured all these things I listed, and I think I turned out fine. The reality is, our children live in this world and we can’t always shield them from its ugliness, hate or violence. They will see it for what it is.
Rather my post is more about contributing to the wonder, joy and fantasy of childhood. Understanding that this is your child’s only chance to play without guilt, and respect that space for them. Curate that space for them. And be involved in that space for them.
As mothers, we can find ourselves quietly resentful of motherhood. Not of our children, but of motherhood. The house is too loud, you’re cleaning up the same messes every day, never getting a moment or meal to yourself until the kids are asleep. Trust me, I’m there.
We love our children but we could always use more help, even if we have grandma, auntie, a sitter and a daycare. I get it. You just wish the children would be more quiet, more orderly, more neat. You wish your toddler could be more independent, and that your big kid would be a better leader. That your teenager would find their path and your preteen would find their confidence.
We have endless expectations as mothers, even when we don’t see it. We yell or punish because those expectations are not being met. You expect the kids to sit at the table for meals, brush their teeth once they’re up, use their crayons and markers on the paper, not the walls!
Some expectations are simple and can lead to good habits. But some expectations and standards we hold our children to, can be toxic, unrealistic and just plain sour to their childhood.
Expecting them to be perfectly clean. Expecting them to be perpetually silent. Expecting them to maintain busy schedules without any real rest. Expecting them to not be… kids.
Kids who bicker, who make messes, who craft up fantasies, who steal your snacks, push your boundaries, and who become unrecognizable as they are formed into their own person.
How do you respond when your kids are kids? Is your first instinct to yell? Spank? Thump? Do you threaten to get your belt or paddle? Do you threaten to take away privileges like games or dessert or outside time?
Children of course need discipline. They also do need to see you follow through with showing them consequences to their actions. I’m not challenging whether you should discipline your children. I’m challenging whether you should jump to it first!
Punishment should not be a first response to every little thing. Spilled water? You yell. Drew on the walls? Mom’s coming with her rough hands and belt. Got in trouble at school? Now they’re in trouble at home, and dread walking through the door.
One of the most valuable skills I learned as a childcare provider, is to remember kids needs when they “fall out of line”. First of all, they’re humans, not robots, so they’re going to make mistakes or even intentionally disobey. But secondly, not everything is done with the intent to ruin mom’s mood or destroy her perfectly clean house.
I’ve learned to grab kids by the hand, get on their level, and ask them:
“Are you hungry?”
“Are you sleepy?”
“Are you angry?”
Whether they’re a toddler or a teen, this works. Because not only are they going to stop what they’re doing to think about it. But they are going to feel seen in their tantrum, seen in their mistake, fully acknowledged in their moment of human imperfection. Instead of immediately written off as bad or spoiled. Instead of immediately being policed.
Even when they’re doing things just to have fun, and they’re not angry, hungry or tired. The fact that someone actually asks those things and talks to them kindly before trying to wrangle them like a wild bull, rewires their brain.
Instead of “Mom is going to be angry and nagging and ignore me until I act out anyway.”
To “I have space to be honest with Mom and I trust her to consider my needs and wants no matter how small.”
Every single kid wants respect and honor. To stop being told YOU’RE JUST A KID. To not be hit by adults that they can’t hit back. To not feel powerless when being yelled at. To not be roughed up just because you’re having a bad day or bad life. Your problems are not their problems.
We don’t want to make our children feel small and insignificant. Feeling like they’re important to their Creator, starts with feeling like they’re important to… the woman who birthed them.
You wouldn’t yell at Jesus, spank Jesus every chance you get, or even curse at him. And if Jesus was their father, he wouldn’t do those things to them either. Following the walk and way of Yeshua requires that we be willing to raise our standards for ourselves, just as much as we receive more grace.
You’ll never be a perfect mom, no. But once you’re a mom, you’re always a mom. Your children won’t always be children, though, will they? They will grow and change and become adults who either love and adore their mother, or only come around on holidays. It’s the harsh truth, and we can’t always determine whether our children love us back. But we can certainly be kind, gentle, patient, respectful, and intentional about nurturing all the good things about being a kid.
What’s your most toxic habit as a mother?
Yelling? Cursing? Arguing with your kids? Spanking them as soon as they step out of line?
Or are you passive? Always turning a blind eye? Ignoring problems and messes and tantrums?
Do you ever play with them or read to them? Are you attentive during bath time? Do you greet them in the morning or is it always just “Oh… you’re up.”
Think about yourself. Think about your habits that you wouldn’t want your mother to do to you, if you were 3 or 10 or 16. Think about things you wish your parents did do, how you wish they would’ve spoke, how you wished they would’ve seen you.
Because motherhood is like all relationship in this lifetime: we’re called to treat others as we’d want to be treated.
[12] “So then, in everything treat others the same way you want them to treat you, for this is [the essence of]the Law and the [writings of the] Prophets.
Matthew 7:12
And always, always, always cover yourself and your children in prayer.
