Throughout this walk with Yah, I’ve realized that He deals with us in cycles. When we come out of one trial we feel invincible. Our faith is turned up a notch and we often look back on the small trial and think ‘wow I was really struggling with that?” “was that really something I almost allowed to defeat me?” We usually don’t remember that Yah doesn’t give us more than what we can bear but the catch is we don’t always know what we can personally handle.
My journey to motherhood was definitely a trial that I certainly never imagined that I would be able to handle, let alone survive. It was about a month and a half before my due date when fear began to set in. Throughout the entire pregnancy up until this point my faith had grown tremendously. Each trimester brought a new trial or test, and I grew stronger in my faith every 2 to 3 months.
This was my first pregnancy and I was determined to put full faith in TMH. I decided to have a home birth. That was my plan for years before I even conceived, I was wise enough to not share this choice with those who didn’t walk by faith in Yah, so that took care of the nay-sayers, however the battle with the internal voice of fear was beyond me. I prepared as best as I could: I planned for a water birth. I felt that me, my husband and Yah would be enough to deliver my baby. I got all the tools that I needed, and I read all the books that I could find.
I also made a prayer list; that Yah would cover me, my child, and my husband during labor, that my child would be healthy, that I wouldn’t go into labor in the wee hours of the morning, for my husband to be home maybe even on the sabbath so I knew for sure he would be home when I went into labor. I prayed that I could tolerate the pain of labor. I even asked something as silly as not allowing my water to break on the floor because we have carpet. I prayed that my health would be sufficient throughout the whole entire pregnancy.
I was very confident throughout my pregnancy– everything was going so well: no health issues, no swelling, no extreme weight gain. It was a beautiful time. However by the end of my third trimester fear began to set in again. I was going through new body and hormonal changes along with restless nights of social media scrolling. I was nearly paralyzed with fear.
The Onset of Anxiety
I heard the voice of Yah constantly assure me that everything was going to be fine. He commanded me to take a social media fast but I was disobedient. I couldn’t conquer the urge to constantly search the web and media for possible what-ifs. The rest of my pregnancy I lived in fear and stress. I began occupying my time with other people’s problems which was something Yah had already previously freed me from.
It was about a month and a half before my due date that the voice of Yah told me to get prepared, but I felt it was too soon to meal prep freezer meals; I thought it was too soon to make homemade pad-sickles; I felt that 2-3 weeks before labor would be best to complete these last tasks.
About 3 weeks before my due date I began to panic and doubt everything TMH had reassured me.
I didnt think my husband and I could handle labor alone. I felt I needed a midwife, but I was foolish to think I could find a midwife that would take me this late. I prayed to Yah and of course he delivered, we set up an appointment.
I was so relieved and felt that everything would be ok but about two nights later (Wednesday night) fear began to flood in. I stayed up relentlessly scrolling through social media and googling every symptom, ache and pain. My concerned husband told me that I needed to restrain, to get off of social media. But I angrily refused. Before I knew it, it was about four in the morning(Thursday) when I finally fell asleep. The urge to urinate woke me up 3 hours later; I was so exhausted I nearly fell asleep on the toilet. When I stood up “urine” continued to trickle so I sat down thinking I wasn’t finished. When I stood up again, urine began to splash. I yelled out to my husband “I’m finished, I’m finished why is pee constantly coming down?” I was in denial, Lord knows I knew it was my water bag leaking.
Thank Yah that it was an hour before my husband had to go to work so he was able to call in. I couldn’t believe that this was really happening. It took me off guard like a thief in the night. I felt so unprepared
I felt so heavy in my heart, but Yah warned that this was not the time for regrets.
Labor Begins
As my husband urgently ran out to gather the small things, I called the midwife to inform her that I wouldn’t make my appointment that day, but she assured me that she would still do her best to coach me through labor via videocall.
My contractions began an hour later after my water broke, and surprisingly they weren’t unbearable. I labored all of Thursday, but no baby. I tried my best to get some rest. Friday came and contractions became sooo intense yet I was able to tolerate the pain by listening to praise and worship music. Later that night I began to feel a pushing sensation. I was sooo terrified at the thought of actually pushing this baby out. “Get a c-section” continuously echoed in my mind but the voice of Yah told me “You can do this I am with you, sit in bath water.”
I again allowed fear to set in, thinking if I delivered in water that my baby may drown (info I received from an article). With my inexperienced and exhausted husband fighting sleep and the midwife going to sleep. I was falling so weak in my spirit but I continued to push through. At about 4 am (Saturday morning) I went to wake my husband up so we could get the pushing going. As I walked into the room I aggressively vomited all around the room. That was it, my flesh had won, we rushed out to the hospital. The hospital was a place I wanted to avoid completely. I instantly began to think “Yah has forsaken me because of my disobedience and my lack of faith in Him”
As soon as we arrived the ruach spoke to me and said “no matter what,be sweet and innocent as a dove, be slow to speak and listen well, do not allow your flesh to make you aggressive, do not argue with these people… there will be people here that will upset you but stay calm I’ll do all the work now.”
From the time I entered the hospital to the operating table 8 hours felt like 8 mins. The entire time fear had left my body I was at peace with whatever the outcome would be. I kept hearing the voice of Yah say “I am with you.. I am with you” The doctors were so concerned with my “peace” that they thought I passed out. I kept my eyes closed and before I knew it I could hear the cry of my daughter, the sweetest sound I’ve ever known.
The next several days were hell. They separated me and my baby for days. My baby wasn’t allowed to sleep in the room with me because my milk had not come in and I refused to give her formula so they kept her on an IV. However they required me to go down to the nursery every 3 hours to breast-feed. The trip to and from the nursery was excruciating so I decided to give in to the strong pain meds they offered.
I realized how dependent I became on the drug. I didn’t want a moment without it. I even began to fear going home because I knew I would be in pain again. Finally my daughter was able to come to my room but I was so drugged up I barely noticed her. As I began to fall asleep I heard a loud inner voice tell me to wake up and pray over my baby. I realized at that moment I had not prayed since the c-section. I prayed over my daughter and fell into the deepest sleep. That night I had the worst nightmare.
There were people in the dream threatening to kill me and my daughter and they were so hostile. They had knives at my neck and a gun at my daughter’s head, however we were so calm. The people viciously charged at us but would stop centimeters away and scream things like “you would be dead right now if it wasn’t for God!” “you better be glad God told me not to kill you!” “If it wasn’t for God I would kill you right now!” The people had the most vile expressions and surrounded me and my baby. I was so confused in this dream that all I could ask was “what have I done”.
The next morning I woke up shaking because I knew it was demonic spirits trying to take me and my baby out. I was now ready to go. As soon as I was cleared to go home a doctor came to my room and told me my results came back and that I had gallstones and some liver damage. He was concerned with me leaving but I already had my mind made up. I thought to myself that if I stayed another night I would die.
Then the doctor actually stated that if I left I could die, that’s when I knew that was the enemy and I kindly declined and assured the doctor that “Yah has me, I will not die”.
Acknowledging His Love
We finally made it out of the hospital after more confusing trials, and on the way home, the last few days ran through my mind. When we pulled up in front of the house an overwhelming feeling came over my body. I got out of the car and began to shout towards the sky “HalleluYah!” “Praise you oh merciful father!” “Halleluyah” tears poured down my face as I realized Yah never left me!
I realized He answered every prayer; my husband was home when I went into labor, the midwife was willing to take me on as a client and even supported me the best she could, my water broke on the toilet, I made it out alive, my baby was alive and healthy, Yah even allowed my baby to be born on shabbat, giving me rest.
I heard a voice say,
“I had not forsaken you, you are my daughter, I will be with you wherever you go.. even if you made your bed in hell, I will be with you!”
My birthing experience has increased my faith & knowledge of The Most High’s love and protection. Motherhood has not been easy by any means but after this event I now know that Yah will always be here to help me overcome.
-Tyteara Wright
You can follow her journey on Instagram @DivinelyWright
