It’s 3:05am on November 14th, 2020 (according to the Greco calender)… And I’m sitting up…BIG MAD because I’m not holding a newborn baby.
It’s like my now almost-five-year-old grew up right before my eyes. I didn’t get all the baby cuddles I wanted :(. Or…maybe I didn’t relish them enough. I miss breastfeeding. I miss poopy diapers. I miss midnight lullabies. I miss bath time. And I’m hurting soooooooo bad.
This isn’t really an edifying post so much as it is for me to vent and share this pain (also hoping I’m not totally alone).
My husband and I have been officially married since April 2020…together for one year, and have known each other for two…and we probably won’t have more children for another 3-5 years.
*SCREAMING INTO MY PILLOW*
I read somewhere that this is natural for all women. Of course, we’re programmed by YAH with this innate urge to bring forth life. So much so that we begin to feel incomplete without having done so.
Abba have mercy. Please soothe me.
I would love to just wrap my arms around a newborn and smell it’s newborn skin and feed it’s newborn appetite. This is natural… I think… but what’s not natural is the envy of mothers with babies.
I can’t get enough. And young women all around me are swollen with child or are carrying around their little bundles of joy. Jesussssssssss.
And it makes me sick. I get nauseous. Angry. Frustrated with how I’m required to wait… Then suddenly I’m aware of just how much I need something to nurture.
*SIGH* I’ve been so desperate that I’ve been considering purchasing a reborn baby doll (just research since I’m too ashamed to include any more details here). Don’t judge me… I know the doll will probably make it worse.
Is there any cure? Probably horror stories about poop everywhere, all the new expenses, and the utter fear of labor…. Oh, and the sleepless weeks. And the postpartum depression… And your family thinking they know what’s best for your baby more than you– the mother!
Yeah………..no.
I’m not convinced lol. I still want the BABY. Chief, if you’re reading this, please. Please.
On a more serious note, I am thankful for the honeymoon phase. We’re still enjoying the first year of our marriage, and not having to worry about a screaming baby who requires 24/7 attention is honestly great. Been there, done that. I guess the one convincing drawback to a newborn is the way they tend to come between a wife and her husband…at least for the first six to twelve months (sometimes more for the wives who have a harder time recovering from the trauma and shock).
I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’ve prayed about this, and I keep getting the fever again. I know only YAH can fulfill me, and I have to keep trusting His timing when it comes to motherhood, especially since Abraham impregnating Hagar shows us what happens when we try to bypass the perfect timing of YAHUAH.
I’m not gonna lie…I have soooo many hobbies because I need to fill the void. Learning two languages…writing…consulting…heck I’m even a full-time virtual assistant. But when the night time comes, and it’s just me alone with my thoughts… and all the work has been done…I’m burnt out with books, Portuguese, and looking at my laptop… the fever just hits.
My husband gifted me a stuffed baby deer. It’s the cutest thing ever. I call him Junior lol. He cures the baby fever sometimes, whether my husband believes it or not. He’s soft, cuddly, and thankfully, quiet. He always behaves, never talks back, and gives me all the kisses a mother could ever want…
…..see how bad it is? I need help. I know.
Fortunately, I have YAH. I know I’m not alone with this issue, especially among my fellow sisters who are childless, single, and living with family that isn’t in the “Truth”. If you fit this profile (or are being patient with your husband like me) then I’ll tell you this: YAH KNOWS.
He knows the pain. He knows the anger. He knows the despair. He knows the longing. And He can fill the void (I think I’m speaking to myself here).
Peace I leave with you; My [perfect] peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be afraid. [Let My perfect peace calm you in every circumstance and give you courage and strength for every challenge.]
John 14:27
Don’t be like me and try to fill the void with blogs and studies and entertainment and fake babies. You will get burnt out and become extremely bitter at three AM like me. The world simply cannot satisfy us the way our Creator can, and there’s no use in pretending it can.
On that note, I need some Bread. Some Scripture. It’s Shabbat anyway. I should be resting! But I do feel better after having shared this painful bit of my life (which isn’t perfect by the way).
Thanks for listening! I’m gonna go cry. Prayers for me, please. And if you need prayers, too, send me a prayer request. Have a wonderful Shabbat (:
Sis, thank you for sharing this I understand your feelings. I’ve been married for 1year and currently do not have any children. I recently found out I have a medical condition which makes it a little bit harder for me to conceive. I feel so down when I see everyone around me getting pregnant I ask the Most High to forgive me. I know it will happen on his time but lately I have been having this fear that I’m not able to have children and it pains my heart to think that I might not be able to give my husband children. When those feelings come up I just rebuke them and stand on the Word of the Lord. I said all that to say I thank you for sharing and letting me know I am not alone and I will keep you in prayer!
Shalom Sister Jael,
thank you for keeping me in your prayers. You know, since I wrote this post, a lot of my perspective has shifted. For one, realizing that without a baby in the picture, I actually have the time and energy to savor my husband, have good, consistent sex, and be present with and for him in our marriage and home. Most marriages that end in divorce happen within the first five years. This is statistically for two major reasons: 1. Money, and 2. Having children prematurely. I know that since we are striving for Yah’s Truth as Israelites, those plagues don’t always affect us. But sometimes, they do. I’m learning to be patient and joyful where I am with what I have because a baby is adding a whole new member to the family, my new family that is not even one year old just yet.
You are right though: conception happens in His perfect timing. He makes no mistakes. Now is the best time to read marriage books, get good routines going, invest in your sex life, and cultivate the strongest foundation you can have in a marriage because once kids enter the picture your marriage will NEVER be the same again. EVER. Neither will your body. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but we don’t appreciate what we have until we are dealing with something drastically different.
YOU WILL be a mother. You are a mother! Claim it! Don’t let those lies in your head. Sarah, Rebecca and Hannah became mothers in the struggle of infertility. Don’t you ever underestimate our God, the same God of Sarah. Just wait on YAHUAH. “Wait on YAHUAH: be of good courage, and He shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on YAHUAH.” Psalm 27:14. He has plans greater than you can imagine or ask for. Anticipate Him and continue hoping on Him, and focus on His tasks for you during this time. He may be calling you to do something for Him first.