I Want My Husband to Lead

A husband’s leadership is not just something we crave or need as a wife, it’s a standard set for them by The Most High. And as humans tend to be, husbands are imperfect creatures. The wavering of their leadership is to be expected— just look at King David.

So what do we as wives do when we want our husband’s leadership but feel as though we are not getting it?

This is a slippery slope. Because to ask ourselves, “What can I do to make my husband do XYZ” implies that we can or should subtly take the lead. The truth is that we can’t make our husbands do anything, and whatever good they must do is to come from obedience to The Most High. Otherwise, you become the head and this is not the order of YAHUAH.

However, in my experience, I’ve learned to instead ask, “What can I do?” Full stop. What can I do, not to make my husband do right, or see what I see, or listen to Yah. But what can I do in this very moment to make things easier for everyone, to glorify YAHUAH in this, to be able to look back in the future with a clear conscience?

And ultimately, my behavior is the conduit for change in my husband. This is something the older married ladies always tell me, and it’s something even the Scripture affirms.

1 Peter 3:1-2 says, “Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear.” This verse suggests that a wife’s good behavior and submission can have a positive influence on her husband’s behavior and ultimately lead him into submission to his head, Yah.

This is our secret weapon. And it really works.

I know you’re thinking, “No, I need leadership from him, and I don’t have time for him to wait to see what I’m doing! He should just do what he’s supposed to do.”

And I feel you, I really do. I don’t have a perfect marriage, and there have been plenty of things I’ve wanted my husband to take the lead on. From my experience, though, I yield much more results when I submit even harder, versus when I decide to rebel (even subtly).

Men aren’t stupid. They know when you are truly being submissive, versus when you are just trying to get your way. This is even so of The Most High. There have been plenty of moments where I wanted my husband to take a specific course of action, and when I started praying (or complaining) to YAH about it, Yah showed me that I was more concerned about accomplishing my own will than giving YAHUAH the glory. Even if I was right.

This is the test of submission. We must be willing to accept that sometimes what we want is placed on the back burner so that what we actually need takes precedence. And truly, you realize in the end that YAHUAH had something better planned for you the whole time.

This happened to me in 2021, right before I moved to Virginia to be with my husband. He insisted on us finding “the perfect place” first. I didn’t care about that, I just wanted to be with him. He had all these expectations of our home, and I only wanted a home. I rejected his logic for a long time (which I now realize was holding us back), especially since we really couldn’t afford his tastes.

I had an excuse every single time. And I always blamed his pickiness as the reason why we weren’t able to come together yet. Because he was impossible to please.

But when I finally submitted, three things happened.

1. We instantly found a place and got approved (it was the first and only place to which we applied)
2. Communication between my husband and I became easier (because now I was doing the tasks he’d given me towards the vision he shared with me, instead of always questioning him).
3. I fell in love with what YAHUAH had in store for us.

We ended up living in one of the nicest places in Virginia, on a lake, in an exclusive neighborhood, in one of the best zip codes in the city as far as amenities and education. Almost everyday, I would go for a walk by the water, spend time with the ducks, sit on the gazebo, and meditate. I consider nature a luxury, so one of the fears that I had about moving to a bigger city was the lack of greenery. But this turned out to be the greenest place I’d ever lived. I instantly got comfortable and didn’t see us leaving for quite some time. It was pure peace.

I wouldn’t have planned that for myself, and now I see what both my husband and YAHUAH wanted to show me.

But had I had it my way, we would’ve been in the ghetto, chile. And that’s the thing: we have to be willing to NOT lean on our own understanding.

“Trust in YAHUAH with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and he shall direct thy paths.”

– Proverbs 3:5-6

I firmly believe in this verse, because this is the verse I leaned on in that season of my life. We don’t always know what’s best, we don’t always see the bigger picture, and we are not always right.

And no, neither are our husbands. However, we are to be in submission to them; when we fight against this, we make things harder on ourselves.

Another thing: you could be seeing your husband’s leadership, you just disagree with it.

“I want my husband to lead.” But he’s already said what he’s wanted to do, what he wants you to do, and what he’s hoping on YAH to do. Perhaps it’s not big enough or urgent enough or even realistic enough for you. But I encourage you to examine what you can do within the boundaries YAH has set for you, that can advance the family unit instead of holding it back with soft-rebellion.

And soft-rebellion is complex. It can look like outright refusal to do something, arguing, nagging, and gossiping about hubby to others. Or, rebellion can look like grumbling and complaining in your heart, only entering prayer to ask God to show your husband something instead of asking God to show YOU something; or even half-assing or procrastinating your assignments.

What I love about submission is that it takes away the burden of leadership. Does that mean submission is always comfortable? Absolutely not. However, if leadership is one less thing about which I must worry, then I am free to focus on other things. A great example of this is our home, where we live, and the operation thereof. I may not always agree with the location or the price of where we live but guess what… I’m also not the (main) one responsible for the outcome (or expenses), even if I am affected. I can instead focus my efforts and talents on simply making sure everyone who lives there is comfortable, clean, fed, and content.

I love that for me. With submission, we as wives must be willing to embrace the vulnerability and insecurity just as much as we embrace it’s benefits. Otherwise, it is no longer submission but manipulation.

Win your husband with your good conduct. Win him with your true submission. Win him with the Fruits of the Spirit that blossom as a result of your own prayer, chastity, holiness, discipline, sobriety, and studiousness. Learn the power of silence as a woman. And most importantly, understand that you as a woman will never win with a man by fighting like a man, it’s time to fight like a girl! Dig into your feminine toolbox and garb yourself in a woman’s robe.

“A silent and loving wife is a gift of the Lord, and there is nothing so much worth as a mind well instructed.”

Sirach 26:14